I suck

I suck at follow through, ya'll.

I'm slowly working on my 30 before 30 list... SLOWLYYYYY

Annnnd, that 10 el bee challenge I signed myself up for? Eh, I havent been motivated. I have had SO. MANY. THINGS. going on. With my grandpa sick, and drama at work, and the boy being out of town twice in a month, and me being out of town the OTHER two weekends in that month, and schooooool.... omg school. Basically, I'm living on Monster and goldfish. Dinner of college students.

BUT! I did lose a pound. So there's that. If I were to actually like, commit, I might lose more. We shall see. I am the queen of excuses (clearly).

I DID something!

Previously, on Days of Our Lives the blog I posted about 30 things my crazy self wants to do before I turn 30 in August (check it: )

Well, i DID something! I made Numero 19 my bitch yesterday and built a headboard for our bed! It looks fabulous (photos to come soon, once I get it mounted) and I'm super proud that I did it all by myself! Yay! *pats back*

Ok, admit it, you're jealous of how much I rule.

I have an Ow.

This past saturday, I started workin' on my fitness, a la, Fergie, obs. I woke up before the boy and did some yoga and pilates. Then, somehow, I convinced him to join in on Sunday morning (accountability, ftw). For a first timer, he did pretty well.

Then, hardest of hard, I woke up early and dragged my ass to the living room and did some more this morning. MONDAY. Work day. Beginning of a payroll week. BUT! I did it! THREE days in a row! *high fives self* (<-- That really just looks like you are clapping high in the air, bee tee dubs)

The OW part comes in because HOLY SHIT I HAVE MUSCLES UNDER ALL THAT JIGGLE! And I can FEEL THEM BURNING! WAAAAHOOOOOO. (i'd started to think even my own muscles had given up and jumped the shark.)

So, I weighed in this morning, for the challenge and sent my numbers over to Erika. While i'm not going to talk numbers here, I think it's important to note that I am a mere 2 el bees shy of my "All Time High" weight.

I thought this morning about where I was at that weight and how, now, when my life is so much different, and BETTER, I have again gotten to that number. I have some soul searchin' to do, ya'll.

Anywhoozle, three days! Yahoo! Tomorrow? My core may need a rest, but I'm thinking I might do a light yoga instead of skipping. I have a feeling if I skip, I'll backslide, and that is NOT what i'm doing here, folks.

Who's with me? Are you working to shed some poundage too? Just get healthier? Tell me! Buddies are always welcome!

Peevery

I have a lot of pet peeves. Some are minor, others make me actually go bonkers.

Two have popped up in the last 24 hours (ok, more than that, but let's talk these two first)

The first: Your vs. You're. Yes, friends, they are TWO DIFFERENT WORDS and thus are NOT interchangeable. I ran across a link yesterday to a craft blog that had a really great idea in the linked post. But the TITLE of the blog had "your" when it clearly should have been "you're". So I didn't add it to my blogroll, because it would drive me crazy all the time.

The second: when Iphone owners brag about having an Iphone, and don't realize it. This is something I see on a LOT of blogs, but also on FB statuses of friends, and in general conversation. I mean, I really dont give a shit that you have an Iphone, a Blackberry, a Droid, or a god damn toaster for a phone, it's still JUST A CELL PHONE. It does not make you cooler, nicer, richer, or more likeable than me. It just makes you an iphone owner.

Oy. Vey.

Ok, i'm done. But I may revisit the "Pet Peevery" series again soon. :)

Oh yeah

This is me, motivating myself:

I joined the 10-pound Challenge hosted by Newlyweds on a Budget. Lose 10 pounds in 12 weeks, win $$$. Are you in?

The fraility of life

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
and never stops at all.

-Emily Dickinson

My mom texted me today. My grandfather's biopsy results are in and they aren't good. My grandpa is a 2 time cancer survivor already. A few months ago, his levels were slightly elevated, but they didnt find anything of note. Last month, three tumors were found, one in his esophagus, one in his bowel, and one on his lymph node in his neck. They did the biopsy on the one in his node, as it was the easiest to access. It's cancer again. This time, it is basically everywhere.

He spent all of christmas at our house and now, I realize that may be the last time I truly have with him.  He lives in Florida near my mom, while I am in Maryland. I feel so useless. Im so far away, and I don't have the means to get down there on a regular basis like I would like.

I'm scared of what all this means. I don't want him to die. I'm not ready. He promised me that he would be at my wedding. (please note, my boyfriend and I have no plans of marrying any time soon) I don't WANT this. I don't want him to hurt. I don't want him to have to deal with being poked and prodded and poisoned and nauseous all the time. I feel very small.

Hope feels like a dying bird in my hand. I know there really isn't much that can be done at this point, but wait. It feels so morbid, waiting for someone to give up on life. Waiting for his body to give out. Waiting. I just don't want to.

But, I have to. I have to be strong and solid and be ok. Its what he wants. But, I just cant.

2011 - The Highlights

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

Bought a house. Bought a brand new car. Helped parent two teenagers (my bf's kids)

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't make resolutions

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes. Several of my friends are either pregnant or just had babies.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Not close to me, no.

5. What countries did you visit?

Just this one

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

A smaller ass?

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

February 23rd (closed on our house).

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Taking over payroll at my job.  Its been frustrating but so challenging. In a good way. Mostly.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Working out approximately zero times.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Other than constantly stabbing/cutting myself with sharp things while doing house renos, no.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

a house. I think that counts :) We also bought me a new car, him a new truck and a new Harley. No, we aren't loaded we just don'tmind sacrificing to have cool shit.

12. Where did most of your money go?

See 11.

13. What did you get really excited about?

I sound like a broken record: The house. Also, Foodie Experience in March. That was rad.

14. What song will always remind you of 2011?

Um... Party Rock by LMFAO (but with dancing hamsters... I bought a Soul)

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

– happier or sadder? Some days happier, some, not so much

– thinner or fatter? ugh

– richer or poorer? richer.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Working out. Traveling. Keeping in touch

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Bitching about things I can't change. Being anxious.

18. How did you spend Christmas?

Morning, opened presents. Had breakfast with the semi-in-laws. More presents. Drama with the bf's ex. Dinner with my mom and her gf's family. Crash.

19. What was your favorite TV program?

We got really into Once Upon a Time and Grimm.  Also, the kid and I watch Pretty Little Liars. Go ahead. Laugh at me.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

the hunger games, which i'm just finishing up. 

21. What was your favorite music from this year?

The usual. I usually listen to the same things year after year. But Adele is fantastic.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

I haven't really seen anything that blew me away.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

29. We had a hurricane. No water/power from 7am (when I woke up) until 10 minutes after midnight. Very Funny Mother Nature! We went to the mall a few towns over where there was water AND power. Suck it!

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Living closer to work. I spend at least 10 hours a week in my car just getting to/from work

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

Comfy. As usual

26. What kept you sane?

My Nook. Wine. Xanax.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

Not much is as catastrophic as it feels when it first happens. I am stronger than I realize. Love is REALLY REALLY worth it.

Life. It is Cray Cray.

This week *shakes fist* Good lord.

I work in Human Resources as the payroll manager for a mid size consulting firm. We have just shy of 300 employees. This week was the last payroll of the year, and HOLY GOD it nearly killed me. BUT! BUT! It is done and now I can be a basket case for the NEXT payroll (yanno, the one that follows two weeks of me being off, the office being closed, and half our consultants being on vacation?). WAHOO!

I started to whine about it on FB yesterday, and then thought, Ya know? It could be worse. I could be unemployed, or homeless or any number of things that I am not.  I have a beautiful home that my boyfriend and I bought last February and continue to make better all the time, I have a great job, decent pay, and a company that appreciates me, I have enough money to put presents under the tree and food on the table and awesome family and friends to share it all with.  I am blessed.

So, I'm going to treat myself to a peppermint mocha (because they are my "pumpkin spice latte" that everyone else spazes about but I cannot have because I am allergic to cinnamon) tonight, buy one last gift for the boy-person, bake some bread for the neighbors, and make a veggie platter for tomorrow's potluck at work (along with homemade tzatziki dip). Since I'm feeling very Betty Crocker tonight, I might also prep all the stuff for dinner for Friday (my mom, grandpa, mom's gf, my cousin and her two kids will be visiting) and saturday am. Maybe. We'll see. Remember, when everything feels overwhelming, stop and look at all the good things you have and remember that you didnt get those things for free, and most arent easy, so enjoy them. As Ferris Bueller says, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it"

Amen, Ferris, Amen.

So, I'm turning 30

I'm not one of those people that is overly freaked out about the fact that I'm turning 30 in a little over 8 months. Actually, I'm kind of excited.  It's a whole new chapter in my life and an opportunity for me to really, truly focus on being authentically myself, which, unfortunately, I struggle with. 

Recently, on a blog I stalk follow, Hernando House, she posted about her 25 things to do before she turns 25 in February.  Its an awesome idea and while I had a wretched 25th birthday, I think 30 is going to rock.

Thus, here I am trying to think of 30 things I'd like to do before I turn 30 on August 28th.

1. Complete my half sleeve
- in progress!
2. Pay off my credit card (i'm not far off on this one)
3. Go to Philadelphia
4. Journal consistently (at least 3 times/week)
5. Start working out regularly (at least 3 times/week)
6. Make sushi
7. Go to a gun range with Steve
8. Go on a picnic
9. Go to the 3rd Annual Baltimore Foodie Experience
   Replacing the above as they raised the prices and its just ridic! So the new one: Reorganize the kitchen/pantry/extras to actually make sense
10. See a concert
11. Throw a party
12. Pay for someone's coffee/lunch/toll etc in line behind me
13. Complain less
14. Be more grateful
15. Plan vacation for my 30th/Steve's 40th Bdays
16. Put a dollar in a jar every time I work out. Spend the money on new jeans when I've lost enough to NEED new jeans
17. FINALLY plant that herb/veggie garden. Even if its just in pots
18. Have dinner on the patio
19. Go to a trivia night at a bar and participate
20. Have a dinner or cocktail party with friends
21. Complete those little nagging projects around the house (grout tile, paint trim, touch up paint in house)
22. Get my canine tooth fixed
23. Have a romantic weekend somewhere with Steve (Savannah, NYC, ??)
24. Plan Cabin Vaca with the Bestie Fam
25. Buy a new mattress (this may be difficult, but I think it's attainable)
- Working on this!
26. Purge all clothes/shoes/crap I don't need/no longer wear and donate to a shelter
- This weekend's project!
27. Do something awesome for my 30th Birthday

Completed:

Start my 401k

Build a headboard for our master bedroom

Write a paper in advance for school (I am NOTORIOUS for doing it the night before or day of)

- I accidentally accomplished this, but I'm doing another this weekend, so I'll consider it complete!

Holy hell that took longer than I thought it would. BUT, like my challenge to myself yesterday, DO IT. I MUST be my own motivation. No one is going to run on the treadmill for me, or do the things I want to do for me, *I* have to be the one to do it. And do it I will.

Let's get started...

Things I think are fantastic:

• The smell of bread baking
• The little noises my cats make when they are playing
• Coffee
• When my boyfriend puts his hand on the small of my back when we are out
• Laughing. Really laughing
• Being tattooed
• The smell of rain on warm asphalt in the summer
• Honesty
• chapstick
• a phone call from my best friend when I'm having a crappy day
• hugs from my family when I haven't seen them in a while
• Organization
• Notes to Self
• Pinterest
• my therapist
• talking to my mom every morning in the car on the way to work
• Love.

I'm going to make this a running list.  As I think of more stuff that rules, i'm going to add it to my list.

Im going to challenge myself

No, this is not "Hey, its the end of the year and I'm making a RESOLUTION." Nay. This is a challenge to myself. Basically, I suck at follow through. I have started blogging twice. Once, on an old blog that I still have but will likely delete. The second here, on this one, where I wrote ONE SINGLE post and never went back. What the hell is wrong with me?

I've recently started working on myself more and more, and part of that needs to include me venting and "getting the shit out of my head" and, this is the hard one... waking up early and having a date with my treadmill.

I'm challenging myself to write in here more, and at least a couple times a week, keeping my date.  I will have to remember "Yesterday you said tomorrow". If I choose to not do it (blog or workout) today, i HAVE to do it tomorrow. See how that works. BRIBERY.

I cant promise this will be entertaining, but life, real life, rarely is all the time.

Peace.

A Dolly for Sue

When you were a child, you likely saw Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer around the holidays. I'm sure you remember the Misfit Toys - the toys that were shunned to their own island for being defective or unwanted.

I think that a lot of us can identify with these toys. Maybe not all the time of course, but, no one human is a perfect being.  We all have our issues. Our insecurities. Our crazy times. But, we also have the capacity to love beyond measure. To open our hearts to others. To be WHO we are at all times (even the bad ones)

I am starting to blog again (after a long hiatus) to get some of my thoughts out of my head, and back onto "the page" so to speak.

I'm not 100% sure what will come of this, however, I hope that if anyone is reading and feels the same, you enjoy and comment.

We shall see.