That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
and never stops at all.
-Emily Dickinson
My mom texted me today. My grandfather's biopsy results are in and they aren't good. My grandpa is a 2 time cancer survivor already. A few months ago, his levels were slightly elevated, but they didnt find anything of note. Last month, three tumors were found, one in his esophagus, one in his bowel, and one on his lymph node in his neck. They did the biopsy on the one in his node, as it was the easiest to access. It's cancer again. This time, it is basically everywhere.
He spent all of christmas at our house and now, I realize that may be the last time I truly have with him. He lives in Florida near my mom, while I am in Maryland. I feel so useless. Im so far away, and I don't have the means to get down there on a regular basis like I would like.
I'm scared of what all this means. I don't want him to die. I'm not ready. He promised me that he would be at my wedding. (please note, my boyfriend and I have no plans of marrying any time soon) I don't WANT this. I don't want him to hurt. I don't want him to have to deal with being poked and prodded and poisoned and nauseous all the time. I feel very small.
Hope feels like a dying bird in my hand. I know there really isn't much that can be done at this point, but wait. It feels so morbid, waiting for someone to give up on life. Waiting for his body to give out. Waiting. I just don't want to.
But, I have to. I have to be strong and solid and be ok. Its what he wants. But, I just cant.
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